A night to think………..

If you read my previous post you know that I received some horrible news last night. I’ve rested my mind, and now I think my feelings have changed ( I can remember reading that there are stages of grief, and I’m sure I’m going through them, I think I’m on stage 2) because now I am mad, I no longer feel hurt, or sad, or any of the other emotions that convey sense of sadness. Instead I am just mad..Period. I feel like my uncle has betrayed everyone he knows, and most of all he has betrayed himself. How can a man who was so genuine, so nice, turn into such an asshole? I know it sounds harsh to call a man I once looked up to an asshole, but I’ll be damned if it isn’t how I feel right now. He has torn his family to shreds, every time I start to feel like this it hits me, this isn’t MY father and I am this distraught, I can’t even begin to imagine what my Aunt and Cousins are going through. It makes me physically ill. And my Mother and Grandmother, how are they feeling? I know they are hurt, but if I hurt this much, how much are they hurting? Too much.

And another thing I HAVE to say, my other uncle, he is on drugs too, but I don’t feel the same way about his situation. I know it sounds mean so I should explain.

Joe has always been a partier, he’s always had his hands into the drug scene, and the fact that he is now my other uncles “crack buddy” has me worried. Joe (although he is struggling with this addiction as well) will most likely be able to kick this habit without too much difficulty. I still feel bad, because Joe has kids as well. I think only one still lives at home, and he’s older, but that doesn’t make it any less sickening. I just hope that Joe will be there for Randy when he finally realizes that he is making the biggest mistake of his life, and hopefully Joe can guide Randy back to being sober.

Another thing that is bothering me is that I no longer feel like talking to anyone (aside from my wife and friends) it sounds weird, but I feel really uncomfortable talking to my Grandma and my Mom. And you know, I don’t know if I can do any kind of family get togethers anymore. I don’t know, maybe I need to wait a while before I start making statements like that.

I had better quit writing, I’m at work and need to focus on my job. I just had to vent again.

Thanks for listening.